Okay, Grrls, if you're over the age of sixteen it's very likely you've dated AT LEAST one. I'm referring to that subspecies of male whose brain, through testosterone-pickling caused by a rogue gene, does not function in the proper way. This type of male is most commonly referred to as a DOG (with SINCERE apologies to the Canine species, who exhibit NONE of the following traits!).

How do you recognize this subspecies, you ask? Well, that's REALLY simple to do! Just keep reading and if anything sounds familiar you'll know you've encountered a member of this particularly virulent strain. PLEASE, REMEMBER to avoid impregnation by this subspecies AT ALL COSTS -- the human gene pool is already overrun by these mutant chromosomes, and inbreeding is already very much in evidence!

You know he's a DOG when . . .

• He calls to tell you he'll be late, and you hear a female and children's voices in the background.
• He asks you to do his wash, and while sorting it you smell a feminine perfume you would NEVER use.
• You find out he's cheating on you and, when confronted with it, he tells you it's your fault.
• While digging in his carseat to retrieve the lost seatbelt you encounter a soiled pair of pantyhose containing a used condom.
• All your mutual friends know about the Bo Peep outfit the very next day.
• The first time you visit his apartment and use his bathroom you find a selection of condoms in his medicine cabinet to rival the drugstore's.
• You mention his name at your weekly girls' night out, and ALL the girls groan.
• He REALLY has a little black book, it's full, and the names are NOT Tom, Dick, or Harry.
• As he speaks to you he's looking straight in your cleavage.
• All the diner waitresses know his name.
• When you ask him for his home phone number he hesitates, then gives you a number and says you can leave a message for him there, or, better yet, call him at work.
• You've just met him fifteen minutes ago, and he proposes to you OR says the L word.
• Everything has to go on YOUR credit card, because of that little problem he had.
• His car is a seduction tool, his apartment is a seduction tool, his tight jeans are a seduction tool, his adorable smile is . . . . etc., etc., etc.!
• You engage him in a spirited conversation, then ask him how his wife feels about that, and he starts to answer before he catches himself.
• He'll say ANYTHING to get you into bed with him -- on the first date.
• His answering machine routinely has 20 or more messages on it, and he doesn't care to listen to them while you're there.
• You cancel the date because you're not feeling well, then call him back five minutes later and get his machine.
• Everyone knows how well-hung he is.
• The Maitre' D smirks and asks if he'd like his usual table.
• As you walk down the crowded street all the women say hello to him.
• The car registration is in his wife's name.
• He NEVER calls you back.
• He forgets your name.
• He screams someone else's name during sex (thanks, DeeJ!).
• You find a subpoena for nonpayment of child support on his desk.
• You find three subpoenas for nonpayment of child support, all with names of different corespondents.
• He has a white tan line where his wedding band usually is.
• His secretary gives you a dirty look the first time you meet her.
• There are two toothbrushes in his bathroom.
• You hit ANY number on his speeddial and get a female voice.
• He can unfasten your bra one-handed.
• He looks mighty happy while talking on the phone, and there's a pair of pumps peeking out from under the privacy panel of his Oval Office Desk!

I know you GRRLS out there have additions to this list, additions which came from painful experience with a member of this subspecies. In order for us to succeed in our mission of identifying these mutant members and avoiding procreation with them we need you to fill in the form below with your own identification items, so that all women will RUN FOR THE NEAREST EXIT when confronted by one of this virulent subspecies.